We were sitting across from each other at the table eating lunch after I finished delivering a keynote on sales leadership coaching. It was just me and a VP of sales I had just met who attended my session.
We started chatting. Instantly, I could sense the kind of leader who cared. Sharp. Experienced. But something was weighing on him. I could see it in his body language before he even said a word.
“After listening to your keynote on coaching, I think I’ve been doing it wrong,” he admitted quietly, eyes down, coffee in hand.
“What makes you say that?” I asked.
He exhaled. “I’ve always managed my team the way I liked to be managed. A direct, fast, get-to-the-point kind of style.
It worked for me. That’s how I liked to be managed. I assumed it would work for them. But the more we coach, the more they pull back. I can feel it. Less engagement and sharing. More hesitance. Some even avoid our one-on-ones. I don’t get it.”
I nodded slowly. “And how long have you felt that change?”
“I’d say in the last month or so when we started our Q4, but it seemed to have gotten worse. I thought it was just the usual stress. Now, I’m not so sure.”
“Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you ever find yourself saying things like:
“This worked for me.”
“Here’s what I did when I was in your role.”
“This is what I would do, so you should too.”
“This is how I like to be managed/motivated/held accountable.”
He laughed. “Every day. Isn’t that the point to being a manager? To be a resource and help solve problems? I’ve been in their shoes. I’ve got the scars and wins to prove it. Why wouldn’t I share my suggestion of what to do?”
“Because they’re not you,” I said gently. “And coaching someone by projecting your own experience onto them doesn’t develop them; it controls them.”
He went quiet.
“Look,” I continued, “I know the instinct. You’re trying to help. You care. But when we coach in our own image and assume our way is the right way, or only way, we stop seeing the person in front of us who. We stop listening. We become attached to the outcome looking like our past.”
He leaned forward. “So, what’s the alternative? Just let them figure everything out on their own?”
“Well, ultimately, that is the goal,” I said. “But imagine this. What if, instead of leading with what worked for you, you led with curiosity?
What if you asked,
- “How do you want to approach this?”
- ‘”What’s your opinion on how to achieve your goals?”
“Those questions sound great, and will certainly change the conversation. What would these questions open up for them?”
He paused, then said, “Probably more ownership. Developing a growth mindset. Even more confidence, and dare I say, self-reliance. Hey, they may even enjoy it! And I think I would too!”
“Exactly. Coaching is about drawing out, not putting in. The moment we assume we know better, we lose the opportunity to authentically connect. Real coaching honors the uniqueness of each person; their values, goals, fears, and motivations, not yours.”
He sat back, processing. “I admit that I’ve been guiding them toward my answers instead of helping them find their own.”
“And you’re not alone,” I said. “It’s a trap every good manager walks into at some point. Because most of us were taught to lead with our expertise. And there is a place for that in every conversation, it’s just not where you start.
Leadership today requires more humility. More presence. Less ego.
It’s not about replicating your journey. It’s about supporting theirs.”
He smiled, a little relieved, a little exposed. “So, what do I do next?”
Then, I hit him with my favorite 30 second coaching strategy. “I trust your judgement. Besides, you’re closer to this than I am. What’s your opinion?” I replied in my coaching manner, careful not to take the bait and give the answer – which is what every manager does. Therein lies the trap.
“I can try first, to become more aware of how I respond to people request for help. Rather than take the, ‘You should do this,’ approach, I need to learn how to replace it with a question to let them explore their situation and ideas first, and make the call. That’s how trust and growth are built.”
I smiled, knowing I made a difference in his life. “I can work with that.”
We stood up, shook hands, hugged it out, and walked toward our next meetings. I could feel something had shifted. I see it all the time. Not just in the conversation, but in him. Once managers realize they’re no longer responsible for solving every problem, it’s like a ten-ton weight is lifted off their shoulders so they can finally enjoy their job, while making their people more valuable every day.
No Jedi Mind Tricks
Coaching in your own image isn’t coaching. It’s projecting your perspective, ideas, and solutions to control the outcome, instead of having your team create the solutions or come to the revelation themselves.
This a fast track to dependency, and eroded trust, engagement, coaching and performance.
Great managers don’t guide/manipulate people to take on their agenda and answer, and try and control the conversation.
They coach the individual, without judgement, by uncovering and respecting their unique goals, opinions, personal values, priorities, skills, challenges, personality, how they do things to achieve results, where they are in their life and career, and where they want to go, based on what they want, not you.
Especially when times get tough, we need to remember:
- Coaching in your own image might feel efficient, but it robs people of the most powerful part of growth, self-reflection, confidence, strategic thinking, and ownership.
- When we coach from our past, we create dependency. When we coach from the present, we create possibility.
- Your team doesn’t need your reflection. They need your attention.
- Drop the ego.
- Stop assuming you know the answer and ask more questions to uncover
the truth. - Start uncovering their ideas first and what people really want and need, before you share your experiences.
- Don’t “should” on people. (A “Should” is the excrement of your agenda and makes people wrong 😕) Let them self-assess and arrive at their opinion on how to do things to build confidence and a growth mindset.
- Lead them, not your reflection. 🔥
Realize that every great leader must let go and trust that who they are becoming matters more than having them be who you were. That’s where the real value of coaching begins.
